Sony to adapt Valiant’s “Faith” comic to the big screen, 6 actresses who could do the part justice (humor)

Look! Up in the sky! It’s a solar eclipse! It’s an angry Egyptian manatee god! It’s FAITH!

Sony Pictures has announced plans to develop a movie version of Faith based on the Valiant Comics series with Neal Moritz, Toby Jaffe and Dan Mintz attached to produce and Escape Room writer Maria Melnik to pen the script. Created by Jim Shooter and David Lapham, Faith first appeared in 1992 and has since become an icon for literally dozens of plus-sized women who buy her book. In addition to her ability to completely block out the sun, Faith has the power of flight and telekinesis.

Given how that Faith has some pretty big tights to fill, which Hollywood talent could possibly be up to the task of playing the Diabetic Dynamo?


Amy Schumer

Faith_movie_the splintering_amy schumer

Amy Schumer has never shied away from making jokes about her weight during her act, and that makes her a prime candidate for portraying Faith on film. Sure, even Schumer would probably have to put on a bit of weight to sell the part, but she certainly wouldn’t be the first Hollywood star to bulk up when it’s warranted.

Come on, Amy! Commit to the body-positive bit and take the haters head-on!


Idris Elba

Idris elba_faith_movie_the splintering

As soon as I heard that a new movie franchise was in the works, my first concern was naturally “Is Idris Elba going to be in it?”

Gender-bending and race-bending characters are all the rage these days, so why not do both and score double the brownie points? (Yes, that’s a fat joke) Ask yourself this, Sony: Is there any role that social media mobs won’t eventually insist that Idris Elba play? If you disagree with that, you know that kinda makes you racist, right?


Jabba the Hutt

jabba the hutt_the splintering_faith_movie

Gender-bending? Race-bending? How about species-bending? The crime boss of Tatooine has been out of the limelight since his last appearance in the Star Wars series, and if Solo’s box office numbers are any indication, Jabba could certainly use some diversified exposure considering that Star Wars fans may not be the reliable audience they were once thought to be.

Who doesn’t want to see the Hutt in a tight, white and blue sausage skin flying through the air? Besides, Jabba already has the perfect voice, too.


A blimp with arms

blimp_with arms_the splintering_faith_movie

If anyone has been underrepresented or misrepresented in Hollywood, it’s blimps. Zeppelins get almost all of the work (Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade, The Rocketeer, etc.) and it’s far past time for that to change. I mean, it is 2018, am I right?

What’s that? You don’t believe that blimps with arms actually exist? Well, just because you have never seen one with arms doesn’t mean that they’re not out there, you fucking bigot!


The planet Venus

Planet Venus_faith_movie_the splintering

Venus has been clamoring for more work in Hollywood for years, and I think it’s high time for Sony to take her call. Despite having a prominent role as herself in First Spaceship on Venus, the second planet from the sun has taken a back seat to Mars and even the moon when it comes to big-screen opportunities. She’s also the only choice on this list with experience in completely blocking out the sun.


Me

fat_splintering mascot_faith_movie

I gotta be honest with myself. I’m kinda fat as fuck. And though I’m a guy and don’t quite have quite the mammary rack that Faith has, that’s nothing that some gender reassignment surgery and a few weeks filled with some mint chocolate chip can’t fix. I’m pretty sure that I could make it happen if Sony’s price was right. What about my suave, gentlemanly voice, you ask? Already thought of that. I’ll just use Johannson as a screen name. Problem solved.


So what do you think? Who is the best choice for Faith, the Cottage Cheese Crusader? Truth be told, I’d be a little interested in watching a Faith movie… when pigs fly! Ha!

…ah, dammit…

Source: Variety

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