Chomp Bites One Off: Superman’s Sidekick – NSFW

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Every now and again, we at The Splintering are going to lean on our mascot, Chomp the Termite, to go out into the world of myth and fiction to get the stories that we non-fictional types just can’t get. To celebrate the 30th anniversary of the theatrical release of Tim Burton’s Batman, ladies and gentlecopters, I give you Superman’s sidekick…

Batman!

Batman: What the hell is this? I’m not Superman’s sidekick, I’m the goddamn Batman!

Chomp: Great to see you, Batman! Wow, so thirty years since Batman was released in theaters! What a crazy anniversary, right?

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He’s the goddamn Batman!

Batman: No. no. Before we keep going with this, I want to clarify that I’m not Superman’s sidekick.

Chomp: So speaking of Superman, what was it like finally hitting the big screen with your World’s Finest partner in crime-fighting for Batman V Superman? And whose idea was it to pit superhero versus sidekick in such a dramatic fashion?

Batman: Goddammit! I’m not Superman’s sidekick!

Chomp: Ha! Nice. Well then who is Superman’s sidekick, then, smarty-cape?

Batman: Nobody! I don’t know, Krypto, maybe…

Chomp: The dog? Oh, Bats, you’re such a kidder. Never change you big goof!

Batman: I’m not Superman’s sidekick. How can I be a sidekick when I myself already have a sidekick?

Chomp: Get out! You have a sidekick? This should be good…

Batman: Yes! Robin!

Chomp: I thought Robin was your “ward?”

Batman: He’s both! Although the term we’re using is “adopted” now, not ward.

Chomp: Adopted? That’s gross!

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Gross indeed

Batman: What the hell is so goddamn gross about it?

Chomp: Well, everybody knows about you and Robin, and your “thing.” It’s always been pretty clear that the word “ward” was used to be a little cagey about the whole thing, but we all know what was really going on.

Batman: Oh, goddammit! Not this “You and Robin are gay” shit again!

Chomp: Whoa, whoa, whoa, guano-man! Why so testy? I had no idea you were such a self-loathing homophobe.

Batman: I’m. Not. Gay.

Chomp: Okay, Mr. “Not-Gay-Batman,” when was the last time you banged a chick?

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Totes not gay.

Batman: …This is retarded.

Chomp: Gasp! The R-word!? What a shitlord you are! I’m triggered as fuck right now. Seriously though, let’s do the checklist: Catwoman?

Batman: No, we haven’t, uh…

Chomp: Batgirl?

Batman: No.

Chomp: The Huntress?

Batman: Ugh. No.

Chomp: Batwoman?

Batman: Batwoman is a goddamn lesbian!

Chomp: Oh, that’s the line she gave you, huh? It’s cool.

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Humorous caption: unnecessary.

Batman: You’re full of shit. Oh, I banged Talia Al Ghul!

Chomp: Yeah, like 35 years ago.

Batman: Shut up! I’m too busy to pursue women!

Chomp: Yeah, and Robin is always right there with you…

Batman: Goddammit! I conserve my extra sexual energy and redirect it into my crime-fighting.

Chomp: Soooo… You bang criminals? Isn’t that kind of “rapey?”

Batman: No!

Chomp: No, you don’t bang them, or no it’s not…

Batman: No I don’t “bang” criminals!

Chomp: Oh, okay. Just wanted to make sure.

Batman: “Rapey.” You’re disgusting.

Chomp: Hey, you’ve already admitted to not banging Catwoman, so I assumed that you were just banging the male criminals, which I don’t think anyone would really fuss about.

Batman: …

Chomp: You know, Superman fights crime all the time and he still has time to bang chicks. I guess that’s just the sidekick’s burden, huh Bats?

Batman: I’m not Superman’s sidekick!

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Superman can get the ladies! (I just wanted an excuse to post this photo. Now let’s chortle at Chomp’s boner!)

Chomp: Okay, fine. I’ll drop the whole gay thing. But still, Superman has powers. What powers do you have?

Batman: I’m… uh, really smart.

Chomp: I’ve known a lot of smart people, but I don’t think that makes them superheroes. It might make them good sidekicks, though.

Batman: I have my own books! I have my own movies!

Chomp: Yeah, and that’s great! I think that it’s awesome that you’ve finally managed to get out of Superman’s shadow and break out to get your own thing going…

Batman: DC Comics is called DC Comics for MY book: Detective Comics. If it was all about Superman, they would have called the company AC Comics for Action Comics!

Chomp: I just want the record to show that you brought up the AC/DC stuff again while I was totally ready to leave it behind…

Batman: Goddammit!

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Batman has been a supporter of gay rights since the very beginning.

Chomp: God damn it, indeed. Let’s talk some video game stuff since we have a lot of gaming content here on The Splintering. That sound good?

Batman: …

Chomp: Aw, so broody! Easy one here: what’s your favorite Batman game?

Batman: The Adventures of Batman & Robin on SEGA Genesis. But if you are looking for something a bit more recent, then Arkham City.

Chomp: Oh, The Adventures of Batman and Robin, of course. I see.

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Hm… no evil seems to be afoot tonight, Robin. Let’s go home for some raging bufu!

Batman: What? What now? It’s a great game! Its effects push the limits of the Genesis hardware, and it has an amazing soundtrack!

Chomp: Uh-huh. Both The Adventures of Batman & Robin and Arkham City both let you play as Robin, too…

Batman: Oh, Christ.

Chomp: So, the batmobile. The SEGA CD version of The Adventures of Batman & Robin is an all-batmobile game that kind of sucks other than the cutscenes, the SNES version of Batman Returns also has really bad batmobile stages shoehorned into it. Now Arkham Knight was released not too long ago, and the batmobile portions are shit. What is it about the batmobile that consistently fucks up video games?

Batman: Batman Returns on SEGA CD had batmobile stages, and they weren’t too bad.

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Robin may be 15, but he has the body of an 18-year old, am I right?

Chomp: …uh….

Batman: Got nothing to say to that, prick?

Chomp: …You like teenage boys.

Batman: Fuck you!

Chomp: Fun fact, you’re also an enemy boss in the early versions of The Revenge of Shinobi

Batman: I’m going to pound you retarded when this interview is over.

Chomp: Ooh! My body is ready. So when you were in Revenge of Shinobi, your character flies. Why is that?

Batman: Oh. That. Yeah, the game is Japanese, of course, and in Japan, if a superhero wears a cape, it means they fly.

Chomp: Get out! Is that really a thing?

Batman: Yeah, I heard it on a featurette from one of the Batman: the Animated Series DVD sets.

Chomp: Keen. So, other characters that were in those first runs of Revenge of Shinobi included Spider-man, Godzilla, and Rambo. What was it like to work with those guys?

Batman: Spider-man’s webbing grosses me out.

Chomp: Yeah, I’ll bet it was salty and kind of bleach-tasting.

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The greatest gladiator match in the history of the world: Shinobi’s Joe Musashi Vs. The Goddamn Batman!

Batman: What?

Chomp: I hear that eating pineapple or drinking pineapple juice can help that.

Batman: Oh my God…

Chomp: So, when SEGA got called out by AC Comics for…

Batman: DC COMICS!

Chomp: Okay! Jeezus! Called out by DC Comics for using their copyrighted character, they swapped you and several of the other bosses with alternate character sprites, though they went through the effort to keep Spider-man. That had to sting a little…

Batman: Not really.

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It really never ends.

Chomp: Not even when they replaced you with what looks like your villain, Man-Bat?

Batman: No.

Chomp: You like teenage boys.

Batman: That’s it! I’m going to plow you into the pavement!

Chomp: No, I don’t think you will.

Batman: Oh, yeah! This is happening right now!

Chomp: No, I still think not. You see, I have your kryptonite, Bats. I hold the key to your destruction.

Batman: This had better be good.

Chomp: Behold this image! Proof that Batman is a misogynist!

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Was this not truly the “Golden Age” of comics?

Batman: Oh my God. You don’t understand- she, uh, she had it coming… She just made me so mad…

Chomp: Do you really think that those who consume media with a 140-character limit are interested in context, Batman? Now, say you’re gay with Robin.

Batman: I had to do it! You weren’t there! She said such awful things! You would have done the same!

Chomp: Victim blaming now, Batman? Really?

Batman: But, but…!

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Basic Allowance for Housing!

Chomp: Dare I post this to Twitter, Batman? Dare I unleash the Church of the Perpetually Offended on you? No hero has the power to withstand their level of social media disdain! The hashtags, the horn-rimmed glasses, the Dark Knight vs. the White Knights…

Batman: No! I’ll do anything! Just don’t post that image to Twitter!

Chomp: Say you’re gay with Robin.

Batman: I’m gay. So is Robin. We bufu all the time.

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Oh, Robin… It’s… just so… thick…

Chomp: Um, okay! That was easy. Now pull down your pants and cut your dick off.

Batman: Whatever you say!

Chomp: Wait! Stop! Holy shit, STOP!

Batman: Yeeeeaaaaargh!!!

Chomp: JESUS CHRIST!

Batman: Uh, so much blood. I think I’m going to pass out…

Chomp: I was just joking, Batman! I didn’t want you to actually do it!

Batman: It’s… okay. At least now, now nobody can call me a misogynissssss………

Chomp: Batman? Batman?! NOOOOOOO!!!!!

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The Batman of Zur En Arrh would like to thank you for visiting The Splintering today!

If you loved this interview (and who can blame ya?), you can check out more installments of “Chomp Bites One Off” here.

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