Chomp Bites One Off: Gyro Man (Attack Helicopter Week Special)
Welcome back to Attack Helicopter Week here at The Splintering! We certainly hope that you’ve been enjoying some of our gaming content celebrating the best of our fine, attack helicopteroid friends!
Every now and again, we at The Splintering are going to lean on our mascot, Chomp the Termite, to go out into the world of myth and fiction to get the stories that we non-fictional types just can’t get. Since attack helicopters are on all of our minds, there really was only one guest that we really wanted to get, and we got ‘im! Ladies and gentlecopters, I present to you Mega Man 5’s Gyro Man!
Chomp: Hey, Gyro Man, thanks for being with us here today!
Gyro Man: Thanks, buddy!
Chomp: …Okay. So you’re an honest-to-goodness attack helicopter. What’s that like? Am I getting too personal right out of the gate?
Gyro Man: No, no sir! I’m just an open book! I love being an attack helicopter. It’s just how I was created, you know? Anytime life gets me down, all I have to do is look to the heavens and fly into the sky! Every night in my dreams – I FLY! Fly-fly-fly!
Chomp: Wow, you’ve got a really positive attitude. I think most people would assume that attack helicopters have it pretty rough.
Gyro Man: Well, it’s not always a picnic. Being an attack helicopter is a pretty intense lifestyle choice, sometimes. There are always those out there who are trying to shoot us out of the sky, or ‘roided out bodybuilder types trying to hitch a ride on our landing skids. I don’t hold any grudges, though. Hey, if I ain’t flyin’, I’m dyin’!
Chomp: You need to get that mantra on a bumper sticker! (laughs)
Gyro Man: Or a landing skid sticker! (both laugh)
Chomp: I have to admit, I’m pretty surprised with how pleasant you are. I assumed that as one of Dr. Wily’s evil robot masters, you’d be a bit more… tempermental.
Gyro Man: Oh, Daddy Wily! He’s such a sweetie. He’s pretty misunderstood, himself, and he’s really smart. All Daddy Wily wants is to take over the world so that he can micromanage every aspect of people’s lives.
Chomp: Sounds to me like he’s an aspiring politician!
Gyro Man: ….
Chomp: …Get it?
Gyro Man: …Oh! Yes, of course! (laughs awkwardly)
Chomp: So does anything ever get you down? Surely it pisses you off at least a little bit whenever Mega Man comes around, right?
Gyro Man: No! Mega Man means well. His girlfriend Roll doesn’t treat him very well at home. Mega Man needs to drop that “zero” and get himself a hero, know what I’m saying?
Chomp: Are you saying that Roll is abusive? Where did that come from? Is it something to be worried about?
Gyro Man: I’ve already said too much, I think.
Chomp: Okay, th-
Gyro Man: It all started back in 2008, when Mega Man was fighting his ninth battle against Daddy Wily. Mega Man was having a particularly hard time overcoming Splash Woman’s stage. Every day he was all “Hey Roll, I gotta go back out to Splash Woman’s stage again! Wish me luck!” This went on for weeks and Roll started to get suspicious. And then Mega Man eventually came home equipped with that laser trident weapon, and Roll was all, “You got an STD from that skank, Splash Woman, didn’t you?” Mega Man was all “Nah, that’s foolish! This is just what happens when I absorb the energy of a robot master!” Then Roll was like “You-“
Chomp: Whoa, whoa, whoa! How do you know specifically what they said to each other?
Gyro Man: Huh?
Chomp: You’re talking as though you were there. You’re giving exact quotes of what they said during their argument. How do you know what they said?
Gyro Man: …I know he called her a “bitch”….
Gyro Man: …and then Mega Man said, “Sounds like somebody is having her own monthly visit from Splash Woman!”
Gyro Man: You know, in her pants!
Chomp: Yeah. Yeah, I get it.
Gyro Man: (Giggles)
Chomp: You know, I really want to see if there is something that actually gets under your skin. Is there really nothing?
Gyro Man: Hmm… not really.
Chomp: Think really hard. There has to be something that really pets your peeve? Something? Someone?
Gyro Man: (Sighs) Springer. Do you know Springer?
Gyro Man: Springer. The Transformers character.
Chomp: Oh! Yeah! You mean the autobot from the old animated movie? What about him?
Gyro Man: Springer is a piece of shit! He tries to act like he’s an attack helicopter, but he’s only an attack helicopter when he wants to be! He keeps changing between being an attack helicopter, a car and a robot.
Chomp: Yeah, he’s one of those triple-changers-
Gyro Man: Bull shit! Being an attack helicopter is a commitment! It’s a way of life! You can’t just decide to be a car or a robot during the week, and then hit the attack helicopter clubs on weekends and be all “‘Sup, bitches!?” I’ll tell you what’s up, you’re a fucking poser, Springer!
Chomp: Whoa! Aren’t you being a little hard on him?
Gyro Man: Ha! I haven’t even started! Get this! I found out where that piece of shit lives, so I doxxed him in an attack helicopter chat room. We’ve swatted him twice! Then we all called his boss at Starbucks and told him how Springer appropriates attack helicopter culture. We got that piece of shit fired! Ha! He lost his house! Ha, ha!
Chomp: Daaaaamn. This took a dark turn. You know what, Gyro Man?
Gyro Man: What?
Chomp: You’re a fucking cunt.
If you loved this interview (and who can blame ya?), you can check out more installments of “Chomp Bites One Off” here.