Every now and again, we at The Splintering are going to lean on our mascot, Chomp the Termite, to go out into the world of myth and fiction to get the stories that we non-fictional types just can’t get. Hot off the recent reveal of Mortal Kombat 11, Chomp got a chance to interview one of the game’s returning characters, Skarlet!

Chomp: Good day, Splintering readers! And hello, Skarlet! Thanks for taking the time to speak with us today.

Masked Man: You will not address her directly, you filth! Anything you wish to ask Skarlet you will address to me!

Chomp: Oookay. Yes, I see Skarlet has brought a sinister, masked companion along with her. What’s your name? Are you perhaps a new character for Mortal Kombat 11, too?

Masked Man: My name is Al Majhul, and the almighty does not permit me to take part in petty games. And you? What are you supposed to be? You’re not a Shiite, are you?

Chomp: Oh, no. I’m a “termite.” I get that a lot. Soooo… Al…. How does Skarlet feel to be returning to the Mortal Kombat roster?

Al: She is excited and most thankful to the almighty.

Chomp: I see. Skarlet’s new fatality looks pretty intense. How do you- erm- what are Skarlet’s thoughts on her newest finishing moves?

Al: She will rain bloody death upon all of the unrighteous! Praise the almighty!

Chomp: Uh-huh. Well, Skarlet’s outfit certainly has undergone a massive change since her last appears in Mortal Kombat 9. Let’s take a look at the difference…

Chomp: Yes, in Mortal Kombat 9, Skarlet was clearly designed as a sexy redhead who was not at all bashful about showing off her athletic physique. Now in Mortal Kombat 11, she basically looks like the bride of the Taliban. I guess it’s becoming abundantly clear how that particular change took place, but does Skarlet have any additional comments she’d like to make on this drastic redesign?

Al: She has simply adopted the glorious modesty demanded by the almighty, fool!

Chomp: Right, but it’s already been clearly established that Skarlet’s power comes from the absorption of her victims’ blood through her skin, so her skimpier costume from Mortal Kombat 9 at least made sense, as far as the story was concerned. How is she supposed to absorb blood through her skin when she’s dressed in more layers than an Eskimo going out for gelato at Sub-Zero’s house?

Skarlet: (whispering)… Help me…

Al: Bitch! Whore! I’ll remind you of the almighty’s wrath!

Skarlet: No please! Gahh!

Chomp: Holy shit! What a wallop!

Skarlet: Please do something!

Chomp: I’m sorry, ma’am, but it would be culturally insensitive for me to interfere.

Skarlet: Please! Stop!

Al: Shut up! Remember your place, bitch!

Chomp: This is a real treat, dear readers, to get such an up-close, in-depth experience with Skarlet’s beautiful, adopted culture. Wow.

Al: I will teach you a lesson that you will never forget, you disobedient, insolent whore!

(Note: Al’s beating continued for approximately twenty minutes)

Chomp: …May we continue with the interview, now?

Al: Yes, as the almighty wills it. Skarlet has been adequately reminded of her place.

Chomp: Yeah, about that… I mean look at her. She’s bawling, bleeding, and I think she may be blind in her left eye. How is it that you can find such grotesque levels of violence like that to be completely acceptable, but if a woman shows some skin, even if it is sexual in nature, then that’s somehow cause for unbridled outrage?

Al: I thought we were discussing the latest Mortal Kombat game…

Chomp: …Ah. Touché, Al.

*I totally stole this joke from Rodrigo Ybañez, the creator of Red Ninja Momiji. You can visit Ybañez’s Patreon here.

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