Greetings, mortals! It is I, Raiden, god of thunder and protector of Earthrealm.

As many of you are prone to forgetting, mere mortals as you are, I wanted to remind everyone that the 26th anniversary of Mortal Monday is today. Yes, September 13th is the anniversary of the release of the original Mortal Kombat game for home consoles. But did you also know that September 9, 1994 was the day that the second game, Mortal Kombat II, was released for home systems on what was then called “Fatal Friday?”

And how did you grateful mortals of Earthrealm celebrate 25 years since Fatal Friday? Did you host your own Mortal Kombat II tournaments, or watch the first Mortal Kombat movie, or unlock the remaining koffins in the krypt of Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance, or throw away several hard-earned dollars on loot-boxes in the latest, microtransaction-infested iteration of the Mortal Kombat series?

No. You did not celebrate. Like many other mortals, you instead chose to remember the date of September 9th as the anniversary of the SEGA Dreamcast. This pitiful website The Splintering even chose to post an entire week’s worth of content celebrating the Dreamcast’s 20th anniversary, but did nothing to mark the 25th anniversary of Fatal Friday. In the very least, they could have highlighted Mortal Kombat Gold, an enhanced version of Mortal Kombat 4 that was also a Dreamcast launch title. Insufferable.

This is certainly not the first indignity I have borne on behalf of you thankless mortals. It was in fact these very first console ports of Mortal Kombat which dared to insult my very name, as the home release of this first Mortal Kombat began the loathsome tradition of spelling my name, Raiden, with a ‘Y’ – Rayden.

While admit that the pronunciation of my true name is unspeakable by mortals (It would sound closer to Kjyradjnnpslotnmght), the change from an ‘I’ to a ‘Y’ was a sincere insult to me. Honestly, was my character so insignificant, and so shallow, that one could change the way my name was spelled and nobody would know the difference? Would anyone have thought to change Liu Kang’s name to “Lou Cang?” How about Kano’s to “Terminator Rip-Off?” Scorpion’s to “The Yellow Sub-Zero?” Sonya’s to “Show me your tits, lady?” These are all logical changes, yet only MY name, Raiden, was changed. It has a stronger presence with the ‘I’, do you not agree?

I have since exacted my revenge upon the insufferable developers of the home version of the game, Acclaim. Due to my direct influence, all of Acclaim’s games since “sucked,” and therefore the company has long since closed its doors. Good riddance to worthless mortals… Acclaim.

Since that time, many have chosen to adopt this mutated spelling as the correct one. Fools. I finally received an action figure made in my likeness, and they chose to misspell my name. Had this had happened to the Jesus action figure made for the release of The Passion of the Christ, there would have been a sincere public outcry. But seeing as how I choose to tirelessly fight for the freedom of mortals rather than be stapled to a couple of oversized toothpicks and merely DIE… yes, my contributions are MUCH smaller.

Perhaps I SHOULD consider a complete surrender and permit all of you mortals be awash in the crimson sea of your own hatred and self-loathing. I will start with this cursed website, The Splintering…

Have a nice day.