Chomp Bites One Off: “Virtua Fighter’s” Jacky Bryant (NSFW)
If you live in the United States, your SEGA Saturn console is very possibly now 24 years old. (You still have it, don’t you?) The announcement of the Saturn’s surprise US release was in May 1995, and what followed was a very rocky and admittedly short lifespan for the console. However, several great games graced the Saturn during its short stint on US store shelves, and a few of the most iconic have to be those from the Virtua Fighter series. So let’s take a moment celebrate both the enduring Virtua Fighter series and the misunderstood Saturn console. I have with me today one of the stars of the Virtua Fighter games from the very beginning. Please join The Splintering‘s mascot Chomp the Termite in giving a very warm, gooey welcome to Jacky Bryant, martial artist extraordinaire! Chomp: Hey Jacky! Welcome to The Splintering! Jacky Bryant (Jacky): Hi, Chomp. Thanks for having me. Chomp: Wow. Twenty four years since the Saturn hit the US market, and Virtua Fighter along with it. Wow. Where does the time go, right? Jacky: Yep! The Saturn is almost old enough to rent a car! Chomp: Ha! Ha-ha! Yeah. Very true. It’s been quite a long time. Speaking of which… where the heck is Virtua Fighter 6? It’s been over a decade since Virtua Fighter 5, after all. Jacky: Oh, you know how it is. We don’t have anything to announce right now. There’s a lot of logistics involved… Restructuring… you know… Chomp: Uh-huh. So… Sarah’s boobs. What’s the polygon count, there? Jacky: Whah? Excuse me? Chomp: How much strain on the Saturn’s dual processors do those two weighty wallops cause? Jacky: What the hell is this? Chomp: I guess we should be glad that the Saturn only produced quadrilateral polygons rather than triangular ones, otherwise those perky protrusions of hers would put your eye out, am I right? Jacky: You realize that you’re talking about my sister? Chomp: Of course! Who else would have the straight dope on Sarah Bryant’s mammarial assets? Jacky: This… This is just… Oh my God… Chomp: Come on! Are you telling me that over the entire time of you two growing up, that you never snuck a peek at her in the shower? You never “innocently” stumbled into her room while she was in a revealing state of undress? You never even once “accidentally” bumped into her chest hands-first while swimming at a pool party? Jacky: No, uh, no… Chomp: But now you’re kicking yourself because you realize that those are all damn good ideas, right? Jacky: No! Chomp: Do you mean “no,” you’re not kicking yourself, or “no,” they’re not damn good ideas? You gotta be clear here, I mean, for God’s sake, this is a professional interview… Jacky: Neither! I’m leaving if we don’t talk about something else. Chomp: Gettin’ antsy? You look uncomfortable. Jacky: Can we just talk about Virtua Fighter’s influence, or maybe the development of Virtua Fighter as a series? Chomp: Excellent idea! We’re going off script, folks! Yes. Let’s talk about development. It’s really amazing, how the Virtua Fighter series has grown and progressed, especially graphically. Take, oh, I don’t know, Sarah Bryant’s original character model… Jacky: Shit… Chomp: In the original game, she was still a blossoming flower, with her feminine features barely distinct. Jacky: Stop. Chomp: But as time went on, and as polygon counts continued growing and swelling… Jacky: Stop! Chomp: Sarah really came into her own as a deadly yet voluptuous vixen… Jacky: STOP!!! Chomp: What? I’m just marveling over the amazing polygonal expansion in the more modern Virtua Fighter games. Jacky: Stop talking about my sister’s tits before I kick your juvenile ass back to the 1980s, you Louie the Lightning Bug-looking son of a bitch! Chomp: Touched a nerve, eh? Let’s drop the polygon talk, change gears a bit, and instead touch on textures. I mean, there’s some killer detail in Virtua Fighter 5. In the original, all of Sarah’s skin was flat and without definition. These days, though, you can make out every flirty freckle, stare lustfully at the glean of light reflecting from her lips, and watch tantalizingly as even the smallest drip of sweat trickles down Sarah’s cheek, slides down under her chin onto her neck, and slowly slips past the notch of her clavicle and disappears into her fabric… Jacky: Oh God… Chomp: It doesn’t take much, does it? Not much at all, to imagine that drop of sweat making it all the way down… you know what I mean… where there is now so much detail, you could even make out those light, feint, naughty stretch marks just around her areola… Makes you “wanna run home to momma now…” Jacky: Okay! Dammit! I did it! I fucked my sister, okay? I don’t know how you found out, but I fucking did it! Chomp: And…? Jacky: And… and we had a love child named Timothy. We call him Tiny Tim, okay? Damn you, Chomp! Damn your keen, journalistic instincts! Chomp: AND…!?!?! Jacky: And the reason… the reason there hasn’t been a Virtua Fighter 6 is because Sarah and I have been taking time off to raise Tiny Tim. He… he’s a special needs child! He’s… he’s a bit developmentally stunted, of course, but… but we still love him, dammit! (*Sobbing like a little bitch*) Chomp: See? That wasn’t so hard, right? Feels good to let it all out in the open, doesn’t it? Jacky: Yeah. Yeah, it kinda does. (*Sniffs*) Chomp: Great! You know, for the record, I would have done the same thing if given the opportunity… Jacky: Really? You mean you would have fucked your sister, too? Chomp: What? Hell no! I would have fucked Sarah if I had the chance. Having sex with your own sister is fucking gross, dude! Jesus Christ, what the hell is wrong with you? Jacky: Sarah! Saraaaaaah! (*Runs away crying*)
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