Chomp Bites One Off: Random Kid Playing “After Burner” (80s August Special, NSFW)

Welcome back to 80s August, The Splintering’s month-long celebration of the greatest decade since the domestication of poodles.

Hey, bitches. It’s me. Chomp the termite.

What’s up? Me? Oh, nothing much. Things pretty much suck on my end, but thanks for asking.

Why, you ask? Well, lots of reasons, really. This interview being one of them. You see, we here at The Splintering tried like mad to get someone awesome to interview in celebration of 80s August, and since After Burner is one of the most iconic arcade games of that decade, well, you get it, right?

We looked into getting someone from M2, the guys who recently developed 3D After Burner II on 3DS a few years ago, and no dice.

We tried getting Yu Suzuki out here, but he won’t respond to any non-Shenmue related inquiries at the moment. I even asked our esteemed editor-in-chief to exploit his old military contacts to get me an interview with an F-14 Tomcat pilot after he played After Burner, just to see how realistically the game replicated the actual experience, but our highly-esteemed editor-in-chief failed me like a little bitch!

(Hey, Blake – Thanks for nothing, you worthless piece of shit!!!)

It’s After Burner. It’s awesome. We all know it. Moving on.

Okay. So who do we have? Well, instead of fighter pilot, I decided to just grab the first kid I found off the street, strap him into an arcade After Burner II machine with duct tape, and force him to play it non-stop for 17 hours. Well, we just pulled him off the machine, so meet Caleb, our After Burner–marathoning trooper! So is it Caleb with a “C” or a “K,” eh?

Kaleb: Oh. It’s “K” actually.

Chomp: Well, I’m going to pronounce it with a “C” anyway. That okay with you Caleb?

Kaleb: What? What are we doing again? Where’s my dad?

Chomp: You’ll see him as soon as you give me what I want! And all I want from you right now… is to have a great interview! Wow, you look awful!

Kaleb: I’m not feeling so well… I get motion sickness. I feel really bad…

Chomp: Awesome. So the After Burner machine really does replicate the nauseating feeling of flying a fighter jet! Super cool. Jesus! What’s that smell!?

It was pretty much 17 hours of this… with barrel rolls.

Kaleb: Oh, I don’t know…

Chomp: It’s putrid, Caleb! Don’t you smell it?

Kaleb: Uh, no… I don’t smell… anything.

The Requiem: Ugh! What the fuck is it then! It’s coming from you, ya’ little bastard! Did you put a dead pigeon in a blender and drink it or something?

Kaleb: *Hurk!*

Chomp: What the hell, kid?!

Kaleb: I said! I don’t feel good! I’m gonna throw up!

Someone bust out the Cuisinart! I see me some good eatin!’

Chomp: The mention of a pigeon smoothie got the ol’ stomach churning, huh? Or maybe it’s that freakishly foul stench of which you reek! Seriously Caleb, why do you smell so bad?

Kaleb: ….I… I pooped in my pants, okay?

Chomp: Ha! Ho, man! Hahahahahahaha!

Kaleb: It’s not funny! You taped me to that game all day and I pooped my pants! Twice! I want my dad! I want to go home!

Chomp: Shut up, you little shit! You gonna cry now?

Kaleb: I want to go home! (*starts crying*)

Caleb’s free parting gift for participating in my interview.

Chomp: Let’s dial it down a notch for our guest, Prissy-Pants McCries-Like-a-bitch, shall we? Caleb, how old are you?

Kaleb: (*sobbing*) S-ss-s-seven…

Chomp: And have you ever played an After Burner game before today, Caleb?

Kaleb: N-n… (*Sniff!*) No…

Chomp: So, after spending so much time with the game, how would you say it replicates the rush and intensity of aerial combat?

Kaleb: I want to go hooooooome!

Chomp: Amazing! After Burner II nearly perfectly recreates feelings of PTSD in just 17 hours! It can take weeks to do that with non-simulated warfare and death! Goddamn, I love After Burner. So, Caleb, what did you think of the arcade cabinet itself? The way that it moves, sways, rocks back and forth, jerking you around, back and for-

Kaleb: *Hurff!!!*

Chomp: Caleb! I swear to God, if you puke on me, I’ll split your dick in half, shove in some pieces of broken glass and rusty BBs, sew it back together, then toss you naked onto an Olympic-sized trampoline from six stories up!

Kaleb: *HURK!*

Chomp: Oh, for Christ’s sake, Caleb! I’m only half-serious!

Kaleb: I… I told you! It’s Kaleb with a “K!”

Chomp: How did I say it?

Kaleb: With a “C!”

Chomp: Ah… Hey! Don’t tell me how to run my interviews, Caleb!

Kaleb: Can I have a glass of water? I really, really don’t feel good…

The Requiem: Water is for grown-ass men, Caleb; men with balls, not crybaby shit-streakers who whine for daddy and crap their pants playing 30-year-old arcade games.

Kaleb: …. Please let me go home…

Chomp: It’s definitely time to end this! So back in the day when SEGA released a port of After Burner on their Master System console, their chief competitor, Nintendo, didn’t really have any solid first-party software to compete with it on the Nintendo Entertainment System. Have you heard of the NES, Caleb?

Kaleb: Oh, God! *Hurf!* Oh, God! My stomach! My… my…!

Chomp: That definitely sounds like a “yes” to me! So tell me Caleb, did you ever play Konami’s NES title Top Gun?

Kaleb: *HUWARRRRLLLLLLLLLLL!!!!* (Spews vomit pretty much everywhere and falls on the floor)

Vomit. It tastes as good as it smells!

Chomp: Finally! I’ll bet you feel better now, huh, Caleb? You even managed to miss my boots, so I don’t have to do that whole “dick-splitting” thing.

Kaleb: …

Chomp: Caleb…?

Kaleb: …

Chomp: Huh. Shit. I don’t think he’s breathing… Caleb, are you breathing?

Kaleb: …

Chomp: Uh. Huh… Hey! I wonder how long he can stop breathing before he dies! Let’s find out! One, two, three…

Kaleb: …

Chomp: Four. Five… In the meantime, make sure to check out my other Chomp Bites One Off interviews here. Twelve. Thirteen. Oh, boy, his eyes are glazing over! Sixteen…

Kaleb: …

Forget the T-shirt, I know the PERFECT parting gift for Caleb!

Chomp: Seventeen, Eighteen… Geez, this room stinks! Twenty. Twenty-one. Twenty-two. Hot damn! I see blood mixing with the vomit dripping from his mouth! Twenty-five. Twenty-six…

Kaleb: …

Chomp: Twenty-seven… Huzzah! His skin and lips are going blue! That did it! This fucker is dead! What a worthless, bastard kid, huh? Sure, it might have been a kidnapping, and sure, someone could make an argument for “torture,” but remember, nobody can stick me with “murder,” because clearly, ’twas complications resulting from exposure to NES Top Gun that killed this kid.

Kaleb: …

Chomp: I’ll make sure that you get a decent burial, kid, and that you also have your name spelled correctly on your tombstone. Caleb- with a C- for “crybaby-asshole.” G’night, everybody!

“Crybaby-asshole,” to be precise…

Thanks for reading!

You can check out more of our 80s August content here! Please consider following The Splintering on social media or bookmarking the site for more independent entertainment news, views, and commentary!


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