Chomp Bites One Off: Bayonetta (Festival of Dread Special)

*Note: This interview is being reposted from a previous Festival of Dread event.

Welcome back to the Festival of Dread, The Splintering‘s month-long celebration of all things wicked and bewitching!

Every now and again, we at The Splintering are going to lean on our mascot, Chomp the Termite, to go out into the world of myth and fiction to get the stories that we non-fictional types just can’t get.

To celebrate the festive Halloween season, Chomp is back with a great new interview: none other than the sassy, sexy Umbra Witch, Bayonetta herself.

However, as many of you might recall, things can sometimes get a bit sultry here in The Splintering studio (see our interviews with both the Streets of Rage and the the SEGA Genesis as examples). So, in order to prevent our guest from being overwhelmed by Chomp’s masculine charms, he’s decided to take preventative steps. That’s right, folks. Over the last month, Chomp had to become gay. It was a rough journey, but now he’s a verified, bonafide homosexual.

Now that you’re all caught up, let’s get on with the interview. 

Chomp: Ladies and gentlemen (especially gentlemen…), give a warm gay welcome to Bayonetta! Thanks so much for being with us today.

Bayonetta: Charmed, I’m sure.

Chomp: I’m betting this is an early stop on a whirlwind tour of promotion for you, with the third game coming soon to Nintendo Switch and all, right?

Now available at your local Forever 21 retail stores!

Bayonetta: Oh, dear me, yes. These promotional tours are fantastically droll! At least I weaseled out of that Playboy spread thing a few years ago and convinced Nintendo to get a stand-in. I’m sure you’re well aware of that.

Chomp: Huh? Playboy? No, I don’t read Playboy anymore because I’m gay now.

Bayonetta: Gay “now?” As in you weren’t yesterday, but you are gay… today?

Chomp: Yep!

Bayonetta: So you have no interest in the pretty ladies such as myself then, I take it?

Chomp: Oh! Are you a woman? I don’t notice that kind of stuff anymore, being gay and all.

Bayonetta: Sigh! Very well, I’m curious. How exactly did you achieve your “gaity?”

Chomp: Oh, you know, the usual. I hung out with a bunch of gay people, drank tons of cosmopolitans, and marathoned the entire Will & Grace tv series… There was no turning back after all that!

When you’re gay, this is about as attractive as Bayonetta gets. Chomp knows, because he’s totally gay now.

Bayonetta: I don’t think that’s how it works…

Chomp: I’m pretty sure it is. I have it on good authority.

Bayonetta: Pish-posh!

Chomp: No posh, pish! I’m very sorry to disappoint you, Miss ‘Netta, ’cause I’m gayer than valet parking at a shopping mall.

Bayonetta: Quite.

Chomp: I’m gayer than middle school in July.

Bayonetta: Do you even know what the word is supposed to mean? So far, you seem to be mistaking “gay” for “retarded.”

Chomp: Well, somebody has been skipping out on her political correctness classes, throwing around offensive words like retarded…

Bayonetta: Oh my. This interview can’t end soon enough.

Who’s even MORE attracted to Bayonetta NOW? Hmm? Is it because of contrast or comparison? Does Sarah Palin have a Kool-Aid stain on her scarf?

Chomp: Let’s lighten things up a bit. The short haircut. Fabulous! In the first Bayonetta game, your hair doubled as your clothes. But in Bayonetta 2, your hair was cut short, so what hair was making that particular new outfit? I mean, is it the hair coming from your, well, your, uh…

Bayonetta: Such a dirty little mind for someone claiming to have such disinterest!

Chomp: What? No, you didn’t let me finish. I was going to say, uh, armpits. Yep. We ‘Murricans know that you European chicks are incapable of properly shaving those pits of yours.

Bayonetta: Clearly you have not played my games, you cheeky little thing, if that is the best you can do for a “question.”

Chomp: Yeah, I’m not sure if I should play them, because I read a review on another site that made the games seem icky.

There were some pretty funny responses on social media to the “outlier” review.

Bayonetta: Ah, yes, of course. The infamous “Gies” review.

Chomp: How is that name pronounced?

Bayonetta: It’s Gies.

Chomp: Really? Gies?

Bayonetta: I’m certain, darling.

Chomp: Thanks for clearing that up! Anyway, he described Bayonetta 2 as being overly sexual, and that the camera “leered” at you. What do you think about that?

Bayonetta: Let me tell you something, you sad, confused little creature, nothing happens in my game unless I expressly want it to happen.

Chomp: I see. So, most other reviews were extremely positive.

Bayonetta: Of course, darling, because I’m amazing, quite frankly.

Bayonetta 2 & 3 are Nintendo exclusives. The games exists because Nintendo financed them. They are never coming to another platform.

Chomp: Fabulous. So, now that Bayonetta game development studio Platinum Games is partially owned by the Chinese-controlled company Tencent, how have things changed over at Platinum?

Bayonetta: Everything is really great, and everyone at Tencent is really great.

Chomp: Care to elaborate a bit?

Bayonetta: Everything is really great, and everyone at Tencent is really great.

Chomp: Why are you winking so hard? And why are you waving your hands around like that?

Bayonetta: Because… Tencent and China… they’re all just so… great.

Chomp: Fabulous. Tell us a little bit about the difference between working with Nintendo and SEGA. There had to be a few standout differences. Development, promotions-

Bayonetta: Tsk! SEGA and promotions? I feel quite certain that the people at SEGA are as proficient with the word “promotions” as you are with the word “gay.”

Chomp: Huh…. Not following you, exactly, but what else can you say about any Nintendo vs. SEGA experiences?

Bayonetta: The Nintendo people were so childish! They treated me like a little girl’s plaything! “Here, put on this pink dress!” “Wear a fox tail!” “Now put on some overalls and a mustache and let’s see where it goes!”

Chomp: Fabulous.

Bayonetta: I assure you, it was anything but.

Chomp: Did you have a favorite Nintendo-themed outfit, or rather, a least favorite?

Bayonetta: Oh, my, the pink dress. It washes me out, darling. The color does nothing for me.

I’m not the biggest fan of “Zero Suit Samus,” but this design is far more natural than shoehorning Bayonetta into the Varia suit.

Chomp: I hear you, sister! There’s was a lot of controversy about putting you in Super Smash Bros., specifically around concerns over how your game is marketed to an older crowd. Any thoughts?

Bayonetta: Well, they’ve been letting Solid Snake in without blinking an eye…

Chomp: Good point. And just between you and me, girlfriend, he can solid my snake and blink my eye any time he wants, am I right?

Bayonetta: Dear me, you are insufferable!

Chomp: I’m talking about my penis.

Bayonetta: Oh, by Heaven’s angels… yes. Your subtlety is noted.

Chomp: I know you’ve got to get going, but I really want to thank you for being here with us. Any parting words?

Bayonetta: I have to admit, in a way it was slightly refreshing to not be incessantly gawked at during an interview, and you’ve managed to maintain this “gay” façade of yours for the interview’s entirety, no matter how bizarre.

Chomp: Well, thank you very boobs.

Bayonetta: And there it is. So close, darling. So close!

Chomp: …dammit…………. So……. Wanna go out sometime?

Bayonetta: No.

Chomp: Shit…

Thanks for reading!

You can check out more of our Festival of Dread content here, and please consider following The Splintering on social media or bookmarking the site for more independent entertainment news, views, and commentary!

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