Chomp Bites One Off: the Model One SEGA Genesis (SEGA Genesis 30th Anniversary Week special – NSFW)

Welcome back to SEGA Genesis 30th Anniversary Week here at The Splintering! We certainly hope that you’ve been enjoying some of our retro gaming content celebrating the launch of our 16-bit friend!

Every now and again, we at The Splintering are going to lean on our mascot, Chomp the Termite, to go out into the world of myth and fiction to get the stories that we non-fictional types just can’t get. Anyway, we have a really, really special guest lined up for you today. She’s a very dear friend of Chomp’s, and they’ve known each other for – wow – 30 years now. Ladies and gentlemen, I’m happy to introduce to you to the Genesis Model 1, or as some of you know her: Genny! (*This one actually gets REALLY “Not Safe for Work”)


Chomp: So wow, how have you been? You look great.

Genny: Wow, you too. I’ve been okay. It’s been a long time, Chomp. How’s your X’Eye? Are you two still together?

Chomp: She’s good. Yeah, we’re still together. She’s… she’s good.

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_box_original

Genny as she was in 1989

Genny: That’s good. I’m… happy for you two.

Chomp: Thanks, Genny. Now, we’re here today to celebrate the 30th anniversary of your release in the US. Let’s start at the beginning. There is still quite a bit of speculation regarding your 1989 launch, especially surrounding which games were actually available at the time. Do you remember who else was actually there at that time?

Genny: Oh, it’s been a really long time. Altered Beast was there, of course, uh… Super Thunder Blade was definitely there, too… Oh, gosh, I just don’t recall everyone.

Chomp: Well, more specifically then, do you remember if Arnold Palmer Tournament Golf was there?

Genny: I don’t think so. No, I’m pretty sure he wasn’t there.

Chomp: How about Alex Kidd in the Enchanted Castle?

Genny: Oh, Alex! Maybe… maybe. I really liked Alex. How is he? I haven’t heard from him in a long time.

Chomp: Oh, he’s doing okay. He went through a rough spot a few years ago when he was working a dead-end retail job, but launched a short-lived kart racing career a while back, and he has been ruling his people as Prince of Radaxian. His approval numbers are pretty high.

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_alex_kidd_segagaga

Alex Kidd has been through some rough times…

Genny: Good! Good for him.

Chomp: What can you tell us about your own best memories during those early days?

Genny: Oh, gosh. I really miss some of those old games, and especially the people. Some… more than others.

Chomp: Oh?

Genny: Do you still remember when we first met?

Chomp: Of course I do. It was at Scott Davidson’s birthday party. His mom had rented you from a local video store, along with Altered Beast and Air Diver.

Genny: Yes, Air Diver, of course. That was the first game we played together, wasn’t it?

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis__air_diver

Their first magical flirtation…

Chomp: Yes. Yes it was.

Genny: That was a special time.

Chomp: Yeah, it really was. So, you still keep up with the industry, right?

Genny: Of course.

Chomp: I’m sure you’ve noticed that the mainstream gaming media tends to lean more heavily towards Nintendo these days when it comes to retro games. IGN ran a story on Zelda’s 27th US anniversary a few years ago, but completely ignored your more monumental 25th. On the exact date of your 25th anniversary five years ago, Destructoid ran a story about how the Virtual Boy was celebrating 19 years since its release, again without a single mention of your silver anniversary anywhere on their site. What are your thoughts on that?

Genny: I don’t have any hard feelings. I realize that my time is past, but I also remember the ways things really were, and all of the lives I touched. That will always be enough for me. When media types discount the great games I played, or scoff at things like my advertising campaign for stuff like “Blast Processing,” I just have to shrug it off. They don’t know what they’re talking about and they simply don’t care to get things right because I don’t have a Nintendo logo pasted to my casing.

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_launch_games-1024x232

Ladies and gentlemen, the Launch Class of ’89 (our best guess, anyway)

Chomp: Can you delve into that “Blast Processing” note a bit further? What do you mean by that?

Genny: Well, as I’m sure most of your readers know, I am a faster system than the Super Nintendo. My processor runs at 768 MHz while the Super Nintendo’s only runs at 512 MHz. So that difference in clock speed was advertised as “Blast Processing,” which SEGA correctly pointed out meant that many games could run much faster and smoother on my hardware than on the Super NES. Nintendo fans back then cried foul, saying that “Blast Processing” was just a advertising buzz word, that it didn’t really mean anything, and modern game sites still persist in that echo chamber. It did mean something, though. It meant a difference of 256 MHz in speed.

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_blast_processing_mode_7-1024x298

Chomp: So, what you’re saying is… they’re retards.

Genny: Wellllllll, no. Just dismissive. I mean, the Super Nintendo had what they called “Mode 7,” where the background layer was able to scale and rotate, right? I know that the system had eight modes for displaying backgrounds, numbered 0-7, so they got the name from that, but “Mode 7” doesn’t really mean anything outside of the Super NES architecture. Why didn’t they just call it “background scaling?” Because “Mode 7” is catchier; it has a better ring to it, so it’s fundamentally a better marketing “buzz word,” if you will. But, of course Nintendo never gets called out stuff like that because, well, we all know why.

Chomp: Retards?

Genny: Ha, ha! If you insist, Chomp. Ha! You’ve always been so funny… I guess most people just think, oh what’s the way they always put it? They think I “didn’t age well.” Why is one such a sin yet the other is a legitimate marketing term? Maybeeee… retards?

Chomp: That’s ridiculous. Can you imagine trying to play any real shooters on Super NES? I’m not talking about garbage tech demos like Axelay, but I mean real, fast, intense games like M.U.S.H.A. or Truxton? The Super NES would have come to a screeching halt!

Genny: You and I know that, but… but most people just love the Super Nintendo more than me. I‘m just not what people want.

Chomp: Oh, stop! Lots of people still love you! You’ve got great exclusive games, unique features, and let’s be honest, compared to that blocky gray turd with purple switches, you’re sexy as hell.

Genny: But not as sexy as that slut of yours, the X’Eye.

Chomp: Whoa! That’s not fair! Just because you and I had something going for a while doesn’t mean that you can talk about my X’Eye like that. We’re supposed to be talking about your 30th anniversary, here. Let’s not make this about us.

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_xeye

Chomp’s current gaming sweetheart: the X’Eye

Genny: Fine, but here I am, I’ve traveled all this way, after all this time, and you never even told me why you left.

Chomp: Oh, my God, Genny! I can’t believe this! Are you serious? You really want to have this conversation now?!

Genny: I’ve waited for an answer for over twenty years, Chomp! How long do you expect me to keep waiting, exactly? Another twenty years?! All this time you’ve been with your precious X’Eye, plugging your controllers into her ports… Fingering her A, B, and C buttons…

Chomp: Oh, for fuck’s sake! I really can’t believe this, Genny. I can’t believe you would do this. But fine. Look, I just wanted something more from my SEGA system at the time. I like having half the cables to plug into a wall when I play a SEGA CD game. I like not having to clean an expansion port-

Genny: Are you saying I was too high maintenance? Are you kidding me?

Chomp: No! You’re one of the most well-built pieces of hardware ever made! I mean look at you! You’ve got an elegant asymmetrical design, you’re sleek, you’re… you’re smooth… You’re…

Genny: What is it?

Chomp: I’m sorry, I was just… okay, honestly, I was staring at your… your cartridge slot.

Genny: Oh!… Oh…

Chomp: Yeah, I’m…

Genny: Chomp, it’s okay. You can look at me… my cartridge slot and all. It’s not like it’s something you haven’t seen before. You… you can even… touch it… if you want.

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_controller

There’s no shame in wanting to touch…

Chomp: I shouldn’t. No! I can’t! My X’Eye… she means so much to me…

Genny: It’s not every day a console turns 30, Chomp. Maybe you could, just this one last time, you know, for old time’s sake…

Chomp: Oh, uh, maybe in that case. God, you’re so damn hot!

Genny: Ah, the feel of your fingers on my slot feel so good… Push through… please…

Chomp: Like this?

Genny: Ah! Oh, yes, yes!

Chomp: Oh, wow, your pins are still so tight!

Genny: I’ve ah-always saved them for only you. Oh, God… Now, touch my… my volume slider… ah! By my headphone jack…

Chomp: Here?

Genny: Oooooooohhhh yes! Yes! Now… ah! Push it, up! Ah-all the way up!

Chomp: Okay…

Genny: Oh, shit! Yes! Just like that!

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_controller_ports-995x413

Oh, Genny! You’re such a dirty girl!

Chomp: Oh, oh wow… Your coaxial jack is so smooth! Genny, I…. I want to open your expansion port…

Genny: …Okay, but before you do… do you have a second controller?

Chomp: You know I do.

Genny: Plug it in me.

Chomp: You want me to fill both ports… at the same time?

Genny: I can take it.

Chomp: Okay… Here we go…

Genny: Ohhhh myyyyyyy Godddddd!! Yes, now open my expansion port and, oh, God! Put a game in my cartridge slot!

Chomp: Yes, oh, God, yes! Which game?

Genny: Whatever you want, Chomp. You can put whatever you want in me.

Chomp: Okay, uh, let’s do Splatterhouse 3, then. Sliding it in now… Here it comes…

Genny: Oh, oh! OH!!! Jeeeezzzzus! Yes!!

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_back

Sweet Jesus, look at all those ports! I hate to see you go, Genny, but I love to watch you leave!

Chomp: Oh, Genny! You feel so… right!

Genny: Oh, God, Chomp! I’m… I’m about to blast process!

Chomp: Oh, God! Genny! You feel so goooooooooood! I just… I can’t… stop… playing…

Genny: Say it!

Chomp: Oh, God, it’s happening! I can’t stop!

Genny: Say it!!!

Chomp: Here it comes!

Genny: SAY IT!!!

Chomp: GENESIS DOESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!….

Genny: …What Nintendon’t, baby.

Chomp: Oh. Oh, man… that felt… so good.

Genny: Yeah, it did. Oh, God, so good.

Chomp: I think we’re going to need a cleaning kit.

Genny: I think we may need two!

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_cleaning

When you play hard with Genny, you’re gonna need one of these!

Chomp: Hah! Ha, yeah, I guess I “Splatterhoused” all over you, huh?

Genny: Yeah. So… what do you think your X’Eye is going to say?

Chomp: Huh? What do you mean?

Genny: What do you think she will say when you tell her that we’re back together again?

Chomp: Oh, uh, yeah, about that…

Genny: You disgusting pig! I’m going to call Buzzfeed and #MeToo the shit out of you!

HAPPY 30th, SEGA GENESIS!

chomp_bites_one_off_model_1_genesis_board

Genny… after you undress her with your eyes…

…Yeah, I’m probably going to Hell.

If you loved this interview (and who can blame ya?), you can check out more installments of “Chomp Bites One Off” here.

 

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