As most Nintendo fans have already seen, the Big N released new Super Smash Bros. Ultimate details via a Nintendo Direct this week. In addition to revealing several new features, stages and fighters including Donkey Kong Country‘s King K. Rool and both Simon and Richter Belmont from the Castlevania series, Nintendo used the opportunity to show Luigi’s soul being ripped from his body by Death himself as part of a Luigi’s Mansion parody. This led to an official response by Nintendo clarifying on social media that Luigi was not actually dead, a clarification that only the shortest of short-bus riders really needed to bestill their broken hearts.

But that got me thinking… What if Nintendo really did whack one of their characters? Oh the possibilities! With so many to choose from, I narrowed it down to my top 5 characters that happily could be wiped from the Nintendo landscape.

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Tingle

Tingle was almost palatable when he first appeared in Majora’s Mask. He was bizarre and creepy like much of the rest of that game, after all. But now that we’ve seen his design fleshed out in all its HD glory, I can’t do it anymore. We have to kill this guy. Violently and immediately.

This is admittedly going to be a tall order given that he has a bit of a following in Japan (he even has his own series of spin-off games there). But we in the West know that Tingle sucks. Plus, he has Tumblr nose.

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Candy Kong

I have no problem with those of you out there with anthropomorphic animal fetishes. It’s not my thing, but as a guy who grew up watching Gadget on Chip & Dale’s Rescue Rangers, I won’t say that I don’t understand completely.

Oookay… with that out of the way. Let’s look at Candy Kong from the Donkey Kong Country series. Actually, let’s not look at her. She’s hideous. Unlike the other simian characters in the Donkey Kong Country series, Candy is designed almost exactly like a human with an ape’s head, complete with a blonde Party City wig. Candy’s design is the horrifying final scene of a gene-splicing horror flick.

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Andross

The Star Fox series has limped along for roughly 25 years now, and it is still struggling to find an identity for itself. I would posit that one of the series’ lacking qualities is a sinister, yet likeable villain.

Andross simply doesn’t cut it. Despite “dying” in pretty much every game he appears, Nintendo keeps finding ways to bring him back. Sure, the Star Fox series has introduced other recurring villains like Star Wolf. He’s a decent foil to Fox McCloud, but Star Wolf and his team aren’t well-oriented to base an entire game around being mercenaries and all. Team Star Fox needs a bigger threat, but an old mad scientist space ape just doesn’t do it for me.

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Waluigi

I know that Waluigi has a very dedicated fan base, but when you break him down, what’s actually good about Waluigi? He’s barely even a real character. What do I mean? I mean that he’s never even appeared in one of the mainline, story-based Mario titles.

Waluigi was originally created to balance out the roster for Mario Tennis on the Nintendo 64, and has since appeared exclusively in multiplayer spin-off series such as Mario Kart or Mario Party. He therefore has no origin, motivations, or background at all.

Also, his upside-down “L” logo is dumb.

Also, he has Tumblr nose.

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The Nintendo Treehouse localization team*

Without going into the nuances of what makes game “localization” different than “translation”, it’s fair to say that Nintendo’s Treehouse localization team has missed the mark in recent years. The most notable of these sins was Fire Emblem Fates for the 3DS, in which the Treehouse gang decided to remove features from the Western release, as well as litter the English translations with contemporary Internet humor which has already rendered the game’s dialogue dated just a couple of years later.

Honestly, this a little “sour grapes” at this point. If Xenoblade Chronicles 2 is any indication, the localization efforts coming out of Nintendo look to be better since their low point a couple of years ago. Still, there are probably a few on the Treehouse localization team who I wouldn’t mind seeing kicked to the curb.

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It should be pretty clear at this point that I myself hate characters who are either apes or have Tumblr nose. Meh, my biases are now known, I guess. What do you think? Are there any Nintendo characters you wouldn’t mind seeing erased from digital existence?

*I shouldn’t have to say it, but I am anyway. I am not actually advocating violence against anyone who has ever worked for Nintendo’s localization team