This past Tuesday, toy maker Hasbro agreed to acquire several children’s entertainment franchises from Saban Entertainment including the Power Rangers for around $520 million in cash and stock. The deal follows some tough financial times for Hasbro, who is looking to diversify their revenue streams outside of toys following a loss of $112.5 million last quarter ending 1 April.

The following is a dramatized recreation of how the Hasbro/Saban deal went down.

A young intern named Tarleton Perkins is sprinting through his office. Red-faced, sweating, and his cheap seersucker tie flung over his shoulder, Tarleton’s breathing strains in desperation. He does notice his coworkers staring at him  “I have to see the boss!” He manages to huff between strides.

He reaches an opaque glass door that reads simply “chief” on the outside, and without knocking, Tarleton throws open the door and sprints inside.

Sitting at a scarred, antique desk is a portly man of middle age. A plaque on the desk reads, The buck stops here and we’re open to donations.”

“I’ll have to call you back,” the man says abruptly before tucking away his BlackBerry phone in his suit jacket. “Get a grip, Perkins.”

“Tipp, sir,” Tarleton is still hunched with his hands on his knees. “It’s the lobby. Another return shipment from closed out Toys R Us stores just came in.”

“Oh God, don’t tell me…”

“Yes sir. More Rose Tico toys. More Rose Ticos than I’ve ever seen. Four hundred boxes of them…”

“Four hundred boxes?!”

“Yes sir! Over four hundred.” Tarleton said. “Our warehouse bay is already full of them and now they’re stacking up in the lobby! It’s like a nightmare! Actually no, it’s more like that beer commercial where the king keeps asking his wizard to turn everything in his throne room into Bud Light…

Tipp sinks down in his seat. “Shiiiit.”

“Except instead of a wizard who makes beer, he keeps making more and more Rose Tico to-“

“I know what you mean, Perkins!” Tipp slams his hand onto his desk.

Tipp motions at a chair across from him and Tarleton slides into it. Neither say a word for several minutes.

Tarleton finally breaks the silence. “What are we going to do, boss?”

Tipp clears his throat. “I don’t know,” he replies. “We’ve really got our balls caught in a wood chipper here.”

Tarleton snaps his fingers and says enthusiastically, “Maybe we can just make some small cloth burkas for them, then sell them to the military to give away to kids in Afghanistan?”

Tipp shakes his head. “You’re a good kid, Perkins, but the government doesn’t pay dick.” Tipp sighs. “No, we’re not that desperate. Not yet. We still have some spare cash to throw around, and we just need to calm the investors down.” Tipp gently bites his tongue for a brief moment. “Wait…”

Tipp grabs his Rolodex from across his desk and starts to meticulously flip through it. “What’s that thing?”  Tarleton asks.

Tipp rolls his eyes but does not choose to respond further. He eventually snatches out an orange card and quickly dials on his BlackBerry. “Hey, RJ!” Tipp says after a few rings. “How are you guys over in Saban land? Tough break about that Power Rangers movie, huh?”

Tarleton can’t make out what exactly was being said on the other end of the line, but the topic was clear enough. “Ha!” Tipp laughed. “Yes, we’re really taking a bath on the Star Wars stuff. Yes, yes, the Rose Ticos. That’s right. But hey! Speaking of Power Rangers, you guys aren’t maybe looking to unload that turd, are you? Ah. Uh-huh. Well, what if I pulled a big truck full of money up to your house? Uh-huh. Great! We’ll draw it up! Thanks, RJ!”

Tipp tucks away his phone again. “Well Tarleton, we here at Hasbro now owns the Power Rangers franchise.”

“Wow, boss.” Tarleton sits amazed. “Business deals are really easy.”

“You bet, kid.” Tipp points at Tarleton, grinning.

“But that doesn’t solve our Rose Tico problem though, does it?” Tarleton asks.

“Ha!” Tipp laughs. “Don’t you see, Perkins? Now we can just pop off the heads of the Rose Tico toys, snap on a yellow Power Ranger head, and repackage them as part of a ‘body positivity’ Power Ranger line. The West Coast markets will eat it up.”

Tarleton furrows his brow in thought. “Sir,” he says, “You want to tear off Rose Tico’s head and turn her into the Yellow Ranger? Isn’t that a little, uh….”

“Brilliant?” Tipp says.

“So brilliant.” Tarleton replies.

Images taken from the Time Travel Films and the World Class Bullshitters YouTube channels.

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