Gearbox CEO blames SEGA for “Aliens: Colonial Marines” typo controversy; cites years of poor spellchecking (humor)

Note: while this post contains some factual information, it is largely for entertainment purposes.

Hey, bitchtards! It’s me, Raaaaandy Pitchford,* the big boss man at the bossest big video game developer in the world: Gearbox.

By now you may have heard that the enemy A.I. in one of our games, Aliens: Colonial Marines, was a wee bit ass-fucked thanks to a single typo in the game’s code. Dopey us, right? I’m here to apologize, right?

WRONG, BITCHTARDS!

I’m here to set the record straight! You see, the fault in the incorrect spelling of the word “tether” as “teather” lies NOT at the feet of Gearbox! It instead lies with the publisher of Aliens: Colonial Marines: SEGA themselves!

Here’s how it happened… Late in the development of Colonial Marines, a SEGA representative came to our office to check on the project. Their name? I don’t actually recall, but he was definitely a white guy…

Anyway, Mr. SEGA insisted on inserting the typo as a joke. I was understandably upset, of course, so I pleaded with him. “No, Mr. SEGA!” I begged. “This small change will have disastrous effects on the enemy A.I.! Please think of the gamers!”

“Fuck you, Pitchford!” Mr. SEGA responded. “SEGA gets what SEGA wants, and what SEGA wants are typo jokes!”

So my hands were tied, but what Mr. SEGA said stuck with me. He said, “…what SEGA wants are typo jokes!” Interesting, right? “…are typo jokes!” Plural… Hurm…

It turns out, that the villains at SEGA have a long history of fucking people over using typos, and after many agonizing minutes of Internet research, I’m finally gonna prove it! Behold! SEGA’s history of intentional spelling errors revealed!


Exhibit A! Golden Axe on Genesis/Mega Drive

Back in the late 80s, someone at SEGA thought it would be really funny to put the word “DEB” over a large door in the Genesis port of Golden Axe. The conventional wisdom is that this is simply a typo, it’s “BED” spelled backwards, the result of an attempt to label the building as an inn which was lost in translation.

Lies!

The truth is, “DEB” is almost certainly a person! It’s probably short for Deborah, which is also probably the name of one of the programmers ex-girlfriends. Are you saying that DEB is essentially a BED, SEGA? Did those two hammer-wielding land-manatees just get done doubling up on her? Are you calling “DEB” a whore, SEGA? Of course you are, because you’re slut-shaming garbage and you just HAD to have your little joke!


Exhibit B! Altered Beast on Genesis/Mega Drive

If you’ve never completed the original Altered Beast on the SEGA Genesis, go ahead and take about 7 minutes to do so.

I’ll wait.

Back? Great. At the end of the credits, you may have seen a message that reads “Special thanks to Team Sinobi”. Who is that, you ask? Well, it’s Team Shinobi, as in one of SEGA’s old arcade development teams who developed the arcade version of Altered Beast and of course the original arcade version of Shinobi. Nice typo joke, right? Well, maybe it’s not so funny if you’re actually Team Shinobi, otherwise known as the butt of the joke.

Thanks but no thanks for the “special thanks”, SEGA!


Exhibit C! Monopoly on Master System

It doesn’t get much worse than this. Even back in the 8-bit era when SEGA was struggling to gain market share from Nintendo, they just couldn’t help themselves. “Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s screw up the spelling of Monopoly on the cartridge label to make it look like two oppositely-defined prefixes!”

The saddest part of this one is that Monopoly was developed by Parker Bros., one of the very few third-party developers for the Master System, showing that SEGA really doesn’t care who they hurt as long as they get their goddamn typo joke.


Exhibit D! EGM issue 57

Similar to how half of Hollywood is made up of pedophiles yet nobody has been daring enough to openly admit it, SEGA’s insatiable appetite for shitty typo jokes has been well known by industry insiders for years.

Take issue number 57 of Electronic Gaming Monthly from 1994. This was an April issue, and EGM was famous at the time for their annual “April Fool’s” jokes. Who did they lampoon in 1994? SEGA. Take a look at that cover. Three “E’s” in the spelling of Streets of Rage 3. Clearly the folks at EGM were on to SEGA’s typo joke bullshit, and were trying to send us a message. Unfortunately, we didn’t receive that message in time, not before I, Randy Pitchford, came along.

And now where are these former whistle-blowers from Electronic Gaming Monthly today? Nobody has heard from them in years. Coincidence? I. Think. NOT!


Now is the time, brothers and sisters! Take to the streets and let SEGA know that you’re all mad as hell, and you’re not going to take this anymore! And don’t forget to pre-order We Happy Few at your local GameStop while you’re out, ya’ goddamn bitchtards!

*No it isn’t. The real Randy Pitchford has never contacted anyone at The Splintering.

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