Chomp bites one off: ToeJam & Earl… well, just Earl, actually (interview, humor)

Every now and again, we at The Splintering are going to lean on our mascot, Chomp the Termite, to go out into the world of myth and fiction to get the stories that we non-fictional types just can’t get. Today, Chomp digs deep with Earl from the classic ToeJam & Earl series, which is finally getting a long-awaited sequel with ToeJam & Earl: Back in the Groove!

Chomp: Welcome to this installment of Chomp Bites One Off! With me today is Earl, one of the stars of the classic ToeJam & Earl series. How are you Earl?

Earl: ‘Sup, bitch.

Chomp: ….Oh, uh, not much.  So we’re going to talk about a lot of stuff today, including your upcoming ToeJam & Earl game, Back in the Groove, so I think our readers here at The Splintering are in for a real treat. I’m sorry to say that our original plan was to have both ToeJam AND Earl here today. It’s a real shame that ToeJam couldn’t join us as well. Do you know what his excuse is, Earl?

Earl: Fuck ToeJam! That lanky-ass piece o’ shit ain’t got dick on big Papa Earl!

Chomp: Ha! Is he still not letting you drive the spaceship? I mean, it’s not like you can blame him, am I right?

Earl: Bitch, shut the fuck up!

Chomp: Uh, wow… dang… Okay, well, maybe we can catch ToeJam some other time, right? Moving on… then. It, uh, looks like you’ve really let yourself go and gained quite a bit of weight since we last saw you, Earl. It’s, uh, a little disturbing. I mean, I thought you were plenty chunky before, but Jesus Christ…

Earl: Yeah, mother-fucker, I’ve been working out.

Toejam and Earl_panic on funkotron_the splintering_screenshot
This screenshot is from the second Genesis game. Please note the panic on Funkotron. Don’t blink, or you’ll miss it.

Chomp: Well, it looks like it’s really paying off for you. Though may I humbly suggest a bit more cardio?

Earl: Nah, bitch, nah, “you may not.” Hoity-toity talkin’ mutha fucka…

Chomp: Well, good luck with that then. Speaking of disgusting bags of lard, you actually met the real Santa Claus in your adventures. I think what the world really wants to know is, what does he smell like? Magic and small children?

Earl: Yeah mutha fucka, you’re right, he does kinda smell like Michael Jackson.

Chomp: I see. So, I’m going to break script here and just ask, what’s with all of anger and foul language, Earl? You always seemed like a funky yet pleasant, teddy-bear type to me.

Earl: Fuck that shit, bitch. There ain’t no “hip” in the old school hip-hop anymore. You gotta be all edgy and shit to stay relevant these days, otherwise nobody gives you any cred. You get what I’m sayin’ bitch?

Chomp: Oh, yeah, I gotcha, bitch. So, there were some rumors that you and ToeJam were dropped from the roster of Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed to make room for the inclusion of Danica Patrick. However, the Sumo Digital guys later claimed that your absence was really due more to legal and timing issues between SEGA and your creators at HumaNature Studios. Can you give us your perspective on that, bitch?

Santa Claus_toejam and Earl_SEGA_Genesis_the splintering

Looks like Santa’s bowl full of jelly just sprung a leak.

Earl: Danica Patrick? Fuck that bitch-ass-hoe! I’ma gonna end that bitch if I ever see her!

Chomp: I think what you meant to say is that she is smoking hot, and that she can “Go Daddy” on us any day of the week.

Earl: The fuck you say, bitch?

Chomp: Oh, nothing, bitch. So, on the topic of bitches and hoes, there was a third character named Latisha added to your Xbox game, ToeJam & Earl III, who also makes a return in the upcoming Back in the Groove. How do you two get along? What’s the story on her?

Earl: Oh, yeah. We fucked.

Chomp: ….That’s it?

Earl: Yep.

Chomp: That’s the whole story?  “You fucked?”

Earl: Uh-huh.

Chomp: Alrighty then. So, um…

Earl: (Laughing) Okay, stop.

Chomp: What?

Earl: Stop, stop, stop. (Still Laughing) I’m just messing with you, buddy.

ToeJam and Earl 3_screenshot_SEGA_Xbox_The Splintering

Of course we should have expected some romance to break out between Earl and Latisha when their loading screens were “en Français.”

Chomp: Huh?

Earl: Yeah, man. It’s all good. I’m not really a pissed off, foul-mouthed jerk. I’ve just been messing with your head.

Chomp: Oh! Ha! Okay! Okay, good. Wow. You really had me going, there.

Earl: I know man, you were scared.

Chomp: Yeah, a little bit. Wait! Can we still call each other “bitch?”

Earl: Sure thing, bitch!

Chomp: Great! Okay then, bitch, what’s the real story on Latisha, in that case?

Earl: Oh, that answer was totally true. We’ve banged each other like a thousand times. We have something like seventeen kids now.

Chomp: Geez, seventeen? That’s quite a handful, bitch.

Earl: They don’t call me big Papa Earl for nothing, C-Dawg.

Chomp: C-Dawg… I like that. Yeah. Anyway, so what are their names?

Dreamcast_ToeJam and Earl 3_Mission to Earth_SEGA_The Splintering

In another, better version of reality, this is a real thing.

Earl: Oh, dang, the kids? Who can remember? John, maybe? (Laughs)

Chomp: Yeah, kids… Who needs ‘em, right? Damn…… Damn…

Earl: You good?

Chomp: Oh, yeah, sorry. I really just can’t get over how fat you are these days, Earl. I’m sorry. That’s rude to say, I know. I just – Oh! So, you’re from the alien planet Funkotron, so what is your favorite thing about Earth? Maybe the mutant monster mailboxes?

Earl: Aw, hell no! (Laughs and burps loudly) Oh, excuse me there, C-Dawg. Hah! Too much Funkotronian soda pop on the tummy, huh?

Chomp: Ha, yeah, sure… uh, Earl, you have something… something like a noodle sticking out of the corner of your mouth there…

Earl: Huh? Oh! (quickly shoves it back into his mouth) Sorry.

Chomp: Wait, is that… was that a… shoelace?

Earl: What? Nah, nah… nah…

Chomp: Earl… Did… Did you…… eat… ToeJam?

Earl: ….

Chomp: ….

Earl: ….

Chomp: ….

Earl: ….

Chomp: ….

Earl: ….

Chomp: ….

Earl: …. Look, uh, C-Dawg….

Chomp: Don’t ever fucking call me that.

Toejam and Earl: Back in the Groove releases on 1 March for PC, Switch, Xbox One and other consoles.

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